[Nhhoa] Peaceful Coexistance

[Roger Hackler]

Here are some helpful suggestions for achieving a peaceful coexistence with
your neighbor:

Before There is a Concern:

Meet your neighbor. Introduce yourself at the mailbox, when taking a walk,
or when you see the moving boxes arrive. Learning your neighbors' name and
regularly offering a cordial "good morning" or "hello" can be the start of a
positive relationship. Don't worry about whether or not they reciprocate.
The important thing is that you are making an effort. Don't wait until you
have a problem to meet your neighbor.

Keep your neighbors informed. Contact your neighbors before you do something
that might affect them-such as hosting a big party, building a fence,
cutting down a tree, or getting a new dog. Informing your neighbors ahead of
time allows them to make plans or tell you how your project will affect
them. Getting their input lets you act in a way that avoids problems.

Observe the Golden Rule. Treat your neighbors the way they would like to be
treated. Set an example by being considerate about noise from vehicles,
tools, stereos, group activities and pets.

Be aware of differences. Differences in age, ethnic background, years in the
neighborhood, etc. can lead to conflicting expectations or misunderstandings
unless you make an effort to communicate and understand each other. 

Consider your neighbors' view. How does your compost pile, dog run, or son's
car parts look from your neighbors' backyard or windows? Keep areas that are
in others' view reasonably presentable. 

Be appreciative. If your neighbor does something you like, tell them! They
will be pleased that you noticed the yard work or the new paint job. It will
be easier to talk later when they do something that you don't like.

When There is a Problem:

Don't assume that discussing it will aggravate your neighbor. Your neighbors
can't help resolve a problem they don't know exists. Focus on:

.         Learning rather than delivering a message 

.         Understanding rather than blaming 

.         Joint problem solving rather than who is at fault 

If you use these approaches, the conversation will usually go better than
you think. Neighbors are often not aware that their actions are negatively
affecting others. Usually, people are willing to make changes if you
approach them respectfully.

Don't assume you know your neighbors' intentions. If your neighbor does
something that irritates you, don't assume that it was done on purpose.
Presume the neighbor doesn't know about the annoyance. Giving them the
benefit of the doubt will make it easier for you to talk about the
situation.

Don't wait to talk about things that bother you. If your neighbor does
something that bothers you, let them know. By communicating early and
calmly, you take a big step forward toward resolving the problem. Don't wait
until a minor irritation becomes a major issue and makes it difficult to
discuss.

Separate the person from the problem. Conflict can happen whenever two or
more people interact with one another. It occurs because we are all unique
individuals with different perspectives, values, and needs. Focusing on the
issue, not the person will allow you to take care of the problem while
maintaining or improving your relationship with your neighbor.

Be respectful. Talk directly with the neighbor involved with the problem.
Don't gossip or spread rumors with other neighbors. Gossip damages
relationships and can hurt other people. Problem solving is only possible
when we treat each other with respect.

Be calm. If a neighbor approaches you accusingly about a difficulty, listen
carefully and thank them for telling you how they feel. You don't have to
agree or justify your behavior. If you can listen and not react defensively,
then their anger will subside, the lines of communication will remain open,
and there is a good chance of working things out.

Listen well. When you discuss a problem, try to understand how your neighbor
feels about an issue and why. Understanding is not the same as agreeing, but
will increase the likelihood of a solution that works for you both.
Summarize what you hear and ask questions to clarify your understanding of
their view of the problem. 

If things get heated, take a break. If you need to, take a break to calm
down and think about what you and your neighbor have discussed. Arrange a
time to finish the conversation later, and then do so. It's hard to problem
solve when you are having a heated discussion. 

Constructive communication can resolve conflict, and talking things over
directly is the best way to handle problems, and avoid enforcement or the
courts.

>From the City of Beaverton Oregon Dispute Resolution Center.

 

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